Unfortunately a change of scenery didn’t help and after two weeks and a couple of pregnancy test coming back negative I knew it had not worked. So we started on the merry go round again, I tried to stay positive and think “it will happen when it is suppose too” but it is also hard to not have those feelings of why me and start to wallow in self pity. We were very lucky to be surrounded by such loving and supportive family and friends but it was hard to talk about it and I felt helpless as you have no control on how your body works. We also had so many beautiful new babies in our lives or pregnant friends, we are so blessed to have them and so incredibly happy but I would be lying if I didn’t say a little piece of you breaks every time another person is lucky enough to become pregnant.
My April cycle started and as usual on day one I called the nurses and they advised to start Gonal F at 75ml however I knew I had to go to Hong Kong for a work conference at the beginning of May for 4 days and didn’t want to start the process if I would just have to cancel it. Of course when I called the nurses they worked it out that Artificial Insemination was going to be on one of those 4 days I was away, I was devastated I asked the nurse numerous times can’t you do anything but knowing full well that they couldn’t control my cycle or the day I would ovulate. The nurse eventually calmed me down but I then called Justin in a blubbering mess saying ” I’m not going to Hong Kong, I am cancelling my spot off the conference so I can do Artificial Insemination. He just said “No Stacey, what you need to do is calm the f**k down. You may think that he was being harsh and insensitive but he was absolutely true, I was letting this consume my entire life.
I went to the conference in Hong Kong it was the best thing I could have done, it may have pushed us back a bit in our journey but mentally it was something I needed to do. I needed to get away (even if it was for work) and clear my head, be around some inspiring and motivating people and come back with a positive outlook and clear mind.
I decided that I needed a break from the clinic so that is what we would do, take a break for a few months. I didn’t intentionally stay away for three months but when I didn’t get a period in that time I kept putting it off. But then a good friend of mine that was also going through the clinic said “If you don’t go back it will never happen, she was right! So I made the call to the nurse to go and get the provera to bring on my period. We were going to Fiji for a family holiday to celebrate my 30th Birthday so we didn’t want to risk Artificial Insemination falling while I was away again and me going back into that negative mindset.
August came and by the end of the month so did my period and it was time to start the cycle again, trying to stay positive that this time it would work for us. Bill was away on leave and Irena at a conference so I was introduced to another doctor at the clinic, Dr Steve Bradford, little did I know that this was the start of a great relationship. He started me on 50ml and when I went for my scan on day 9 I honestly think I knew that there would be nothing there with my dosage being so low, so it was upped to 75ml and then again to 100ml and on day 16 there was a 13mm follicle and everything was looking good. I went back on Saturday (day 18) and there was nothing there. Steve was worried and confused at what may have happened and sent me to Pathology for urgent blood tests to check if ovulation may have already occurred. I went for bloods and the thoughts kept running through my mind of “we have missed it, we will have to start again, why us” before even knowing the answer I was already feeling so upset. But then Steve called in the afternoon to advise I had not ovulated and the eggs may have just been hiding so to come back in on Tuesday, just like that I felt relief that we were back on track.
So Tuesday came and by this time Irena was back at the clinic, I was at day 21, I had been injecting myself for three weeks (no wonder I was tender and bloated). Irena scanned and there were eggs showing, they were the right size and there were a lot of them however I knew there was something not right when she said “Get dressed darling and we will have a chat” this wasn’t good as she was always so happy and joking around.
So although there were plenty of “juicy eggs” as Steve liked to put it, there were too many and if we had gone ahead with Artificial Insemination we could have ended up with multiple babies and as much as I was desperate for a child to fall pregnant with four or more at once was a bit much. She said that we could continue on with Artificial Insemination for the next 6-12 months but this would continue happening either over stimulating or the eggs not being big enough and our best option would be IVF.
My heart sunk, I knew that IVF was always an option but honestly didn’t think that this would be our last option. Irena scheduled Jus and I in to meet with the nurses and the words she said have always stuck with me “Ths woman is incredibly strong and brave, she has been poked, prodded and scanned to death and now we need to move onto the next step.” I certainly didn’t feel brave, as I called Jus to tell him I couldn’t even get my words out, he asked where I was and came to see me and hear what had happened. He has an incredible way of being to the point, open minded and calming me down from a hysteric state and for that I am so grateful.
I went straight home after this as I couldn’t stand the thought of facing anyone, it was a very emotional day as I went through the IVF procedure in detail…